Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
As shirtless as possible
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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