You just made me feel so damn special
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
