listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
What drink are we having for lunch?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
