we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize