In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
