I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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