he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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