my soul wont recognize me after tonight
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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