chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
