ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
