I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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