I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
