going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
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