so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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