I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
