thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
