your parents love me but you hate me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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