I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
