the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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