How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Michael Bay diarrhea
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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