Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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