You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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