If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
