My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
