I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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