Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize