Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
