what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
