He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
