I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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