Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize