i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
