You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
