Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Edward fifth and chaser hands
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
