and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize