i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize