i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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