Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize