God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
