my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
