you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
