I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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