please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
