I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
