i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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