how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
