i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
how drunk are you?
Several
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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