There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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