I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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