i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
