Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
