I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
