I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
