I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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