I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
