It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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