nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
